Clover is supposed to bring good luck to the person who is about to embark upon a journey towards a particular goal. This is a tiny bit of information which I came across while re-watching the first season of Honey and Clover. I don’t know if I can consider love to be a goal here. No, I don’t think I can. No matter how many trials and ordeals one goes through, if the person concerned does not have the bent of mind and heart to look towards you with the same kind of affection, your trials will only yield errors and if you are headstrong enough to not accept it, it shall only transform into an endless cycle for you.
I met you for the first time in 2008. Honey and Clover had started airing on Animax in the same year. Of course, I did not know what love meant at that time. It would be a gross misconception to hold that I know the meaning of love even now, but it is no longer an equivalent to a happy ending for me. I remember myself failing completely at making a meaning out of that show as I was failing completely at making a meaning not only out of those complicated problems in my Math textbook but also of my feelings for you. I knew that I was leaving my age of innocence behind to enter into the age of experience, but I did not know that the stability which I had so far would wither away through the emotional desire which I was subconsciously developing for you. My life changed after meeting you, but you left after the lapse of that year when I had finally accepted the harsh fact with a boulder on my chest and tears in my eyes that I was in love with you. But amidst the hoard of instances of my immaturity, I was mature enough to realise at that tender age that my love for you was doomed and it would never achieve a successful fruition. My best friend told me to wait till my ‘infatuation’ wilted down with the passage of time. I trusted her, but at the same time, you would just not stop flashing in my head. Every moment of smile, every moment of anger, every moment of anxiousness, every moment of awkward eye contact, every moment which bespoke my emotional dependence on you. Too much to hold in this heart which was tender at that time. At a time when it was struggling with loneliness, avoidance, negligence and the merciless and ruthless world of peers and adults.
You left behind a pathetic trail of longing, despondency, wishful thinking and sad smiles for me to deal with. Loneliness was the foremost of them. The years passed by and I was growing. I internally wished to grow out of you and everything which involved you. But those passing smiles and the presumed short conversations which extended themselves when we ran into each other exulted me again only to leave me dejected in the end. As I was watching Honey and Clover the other night, there was a line which went like, “If love is supposed to be happy and colourful, then why is my love so sad and despicable?” I had never related to it so well before when I had watched it in 2016. I used to colour my love for you then with a tinge of romantic sadness and I cherished that. But I was dawned upon by the realization that this love which is unrequited and one-sided has only caused tears, waves of sadness and piteous thoughts under a pleasant guise.
I was in deep thought about what the ferris-wheel in that show might symbolize and how I could connect myself with it until Takemoto(one of the characters) stated that it was meant to take one to the zenith of happiness as one cut across the sky with his/her beloved. But then one had to gradually descend down to the painful reality which love perhaps brings with itself. I used to have my moments of reaching the zenith with you too. But unfortunately, those moments solely belonged to me. Remember the sound of the beating dhaaks on the night of Dashami? Remember how we used to sit still together as the world faded into the background, but only the crimson face of the Goddess and the melodious strength with which the dhaaks were being beaten; with the sweet-scented smoke shaping itself into rings and waves around us till we couldn’t see the other faces anymore but each other? Remember how you used to clasp my hand tightly lest I should fall into the chilled water while watching the immersed face of the Goddess as I prayed and waved goodbye to her? Don’t you think those were my moments of elevation with you? The autumnal time of the year when my feelings were at their prime. That time of the year which marked its end for me and the awaiting of another autumn to reach the pinnacle again.
You left with a tone of finality in 2021 and I suffered a predictable yet unpredictable apocalypse. I wished that I could undo all the moments which I had shared with you. Those moments of elation seem achingly beautiful now. Too beautiful for me to ever want to remember them. Back in 2018, I was almost convinced that I had fallen out of love with you. But I guess a new city did not mean a new me. I could sever away many ties, but I retained a few feelings which were painful. I did not realize that some of those feelings were still reserved for you. The ethereal moments would not come back in their physical shape anymore. I can only view vast tracts of wastelands in front of me now. But you know what? I am still in search of my clover and my goal which is wallowing in misery and misfortune.